Today took me a long time to contemplate. You don’t usually contemplate what you’re going to do every day, but today, I had a day where I chose what I would do to make an impact— an impact on society, an impact on the future, on government, on life. Not that I feel that I could actually make an impact or even a difference. Today millions of young people are lifting their voices in the face of climate change. I am merely screaming into the void. That’s what it feels like today,
Today it is raining, the first rain in nearly a month it seems. The last time it rained was August 27 if I am correct. Today is September 20, 2019– Global climate strike day. I had planned for this day a few weeks in advance when I heard that it was happening and that I would have a chance to participate because my college gave us the opportunity by giving us the day off. We did not have to ask. It reminds me of times when I went to a funeral home for a family member, and looked at them, lying in the casket. That’s what today feels like.
I know it might seem like I’m being dramatic but isn’t it the time to be dramatic? And all I feel like doing is screaming into the void. I don’t know if I’ll ever be heard, I don’t know if anyone will ever be heard. But what’s worse than that Would be if I was heard and nothing happened— no one took any action. So many of my friends and family members have given up on making a difference. They feel that nothing they do will make a difference so why change their actions. better yet let’s just steer into it. If nothing’s going to change, why not just end it faster? That’s what today feels like.
Today hurts. It hurts when I look back on all the things I’ve tried to do, to mitigate my portion of climate change. It hurts when I look back on all the things I’ve written, letters to my future children explaining why I couldn’t have them, why I couldn’t give them life only to let them die. Why I wouldn’t be strong enough to sing them to sleep as they burn. If you’re reading this, don’t be sad. So many people said there’s nothing we could do. But I tried so many things. I tried to save the earth for you. With what little I could do. My voice is hoarse as I dictate this, but the tears just wont come. That’s what today feels like.
I threw out my plans for global climate strike last weekend. They were too idealistic. I was going to spend the day writing, writing about all my thoughts on climate change. I was going to spend the day in Henry County where I go to College, just being where I am. I was going to take a roll of film to show what I saw, not necessarily that it would show climate change but that it might preserve in a beautiful fashion what today looks like—or would have looked like.
So many people are taking today to fight, but I don’t feel like fighting anymore. Today I feel like grieving. Pacifist protest? No. As much is writing this is a display of how I feel, I really just wanna feel, and not make a scene. I think that’s what I was going for when I made my original plans, Not to specifically make an action, but to just be, and just live, and just do naturally without an agenda. I came into this day without an agenda, because I couldn’t think of what to do. I spent a long time this morning thinking about what I should do. I listened to Plantasia, this musical album for plants and the people who love them, hoping that would give me inspiration. I thought I would go to the park, but I really just didn’t feel like it. I watched some news coverage of the strike. What popped up in my feed was the video of the largest glacier calving event. Then, I put on one of my favorite environmental documentaries, jumbo wild, a tribute to a glacier. And suddenly, I had to write. Not many people contemplate what they’re going to do for the day. They already have an agenda. Our lives are so full, so fast. But today I’m taking it slow— although, I never was one to take it fast.
I thought for a long time about what I was going to write. I could’ve listed all of the problems going on with our environment. I could’ve explained them. I could’ve listed all the things I’ve done to stop them. I could’ve ragged on our government, and the other world governments and societies that just keep on going, using, abusing. But I just don’t wanna do that. Would it even make a difference? No. The truth is, I’m writing this for myself. I’m writing to feel like I’m doing something, when really, I look at myself and it looks like I’ve given up. It looks like I’ve resigned to the fact that nothing is going to change. What can I, one single person do? Especially when there are so many other people out there with power who just keep abusing. I can’t help but think that other people must feel this way, People that have done a lot to help stop our problem. There are so many of us but we don’t seem to make a difference.
So, today, I pray for my mother earth, as she lies on her deathbed. I can’t help but feel like I’m planning a funeral. For her, my friends, My family, and myself. That’s what today feels like.
Disco Chicken of Love
sTate fair ready!
seed starting 2019
ky state fair quilt
A sustainability major at U of L, beginning farmer, crafter, and writer.