I've taken a little while off blogging to gather myself up. And sometimes that is hard. The night I wrote that last blog was the hardest night I've ever had. But, thankfully, I feel a lot better now. I did end up quitting my favorite job--my very first job, and now I have a lot more time to spend with my family.
Finals are in full swing down at U of L and I've made a decision. I'm not going there again next semester, I'm going to transfer to KY State U. First of all, they actually have my degree, and second, they're a lot smaller. I don't think the big universities are for me. I have a hard time finding my niche. Also, it's really far away from where I live.
In more fun news, since I live in Louisville KY, it's Derby season! In less than two weeks it will be time for the run for the roses, also known as the Kentucky Derby! I absolutely love Derby. I don't know what it is, but there's something about it that just gets my heart a-flutterin. I don't know if it's the events, the food, the horses, the hats, the betting--it's all fun! There's so much color, so many flowers, and of course, about 25 big beautiful horses. I'm somewhat of a Derby nerd too, ha! I love the history, the science behind it, the athleticism. I used to think when I danced that all our breath sounded like the breath of the racehorses.
So I've decided to throw an Oaks Tea! Oaks is the big race the day before the derby--the lilies for the fillies (also known as female horses). It's turned into a big breast cancer awareness day and a huge survivor's walk on the track. Every year, Dawn Gee from the local news gets teary eyed and announces how beautiful life truly is and I just thank the earth and all that I get to live in this town, in this time, with these people.
But anyhow, I've thrown myself into work on the decor for the tea party--all handmade. I've made a couple dozen paper flowers, twenty five origami hot air balloons (it's a Louisville thing!) and their baskets, and am in the process of making twenty five Pegasus. Pegasi? You get the idea! Hot air balloons are a special thing in the Derby festival. The festival opens with Thunder Over Louisville, a huge fireworks display over the Ohio River. We always watch it on TV, but a billion people go down to the waterfront to watch. The events go on and on but one of my favorites--the Balloon Glimmer--is tomorrow!
Alongside that, I have to juggle making the rest of the decor, Lawd help me! Studying for finals, (two more), and getting ready for moving (again, Lawd help me!) It's a lot, but I know I can do it. I get by with a little help from my friends!
Disclaimer: This post contains information that may not be for everyone. It may be disturbing or frightening to some.
So, honesty time, I'm done being people's doormat. I haven't posted in a while because honesty time, I have severe depression. I'm not just sad all the time. This is not something that I can just take a pill for and feel better about. No amount of counseling has made me feel better in the more than a year that I've been seeking help. If anything, it's made me feel worse. Honesty time, one therapist told me I wanted to be "fucked up" and that's why I was raped. Honesty time, my depression isn't about my rape, my depression is about so much more than that. It's about years of abuse at the Louisville Ballet School. Honesty time, I'm done keeping that a secret. Honesty time, I'm done listening to little girls say "I'm a pretty ballerina". Honesty time, I'm done pretending to be happy for parents talking to me about their kids dancing. Honesty time, I have no idea about what the solution to this problem is. If I did I wouldn't still be depressed. But let's get back on track.
Honesty time, my depression isn't as Robert Curran put it, "sitting in a dark room and being sad". Honesty time, Robert Curran can go fuck himself. He traumatized me for too long. I'm done seeing him in my dreams every single fucking night telling me to go die. He insinuated that if I left the ballet, there would be no one watching me to make sure I didn't kill myself. Two witnesses.
Honesty time, I have had no idea who to tell about this since it happened over two years ago. I have had no idea what to do about it. All I can do now is to tell my story and tell how I feel about it.
Honesty time, I don't know what to do.
I'm thinking very heavily about quitting a job that I have loved for three years because of some very hurtful people. I don't care if this hurts them because they have hurt me very much. Honesty time, they may not have known that I've been suicidal for a long time. Honesty time, they might not know that their words are some of the words I hear when my brain starts planning how I'm going to die. Honesty time, they hurt me. The director at my work has hurt me by belittling me for a long time. She purposefully doesn't support my endeavors even when I donate my time and donate my money to their institution. She calls me an intern though I have been staff for three years. I am an educator in my work, and do more than any other educator who works there. The other specific person who hurts me at my work is a co-worker. Honesty time, I'm done being watched every step I take and being reported on when I'm not doing anything wrong. Honesty time, I'm done being "educated" on my job that I have had for three years, each year by the seasonal co-workers. Honesty time, I don't care if you're two years older than me, I've worked here longer than you, stop telling me what to do. Stop telling the director step for step what I do. Honesty time, I can't read minds, and I honestly can't do what you want me to do unless you tell me to do it. Honesty time, I can't work with kids anymore. It reminds me too much of my abuse. I constantly wonder how many of these little kids are going to grow up to be domestic abusers, rapists, school shooters, and honesty time, I don't know how to raise these kids to be the best that they can be.
Honesty time, I have a lot of people in my life that I love. I don't doubt that they would be heartbroken if I died. I don't write this lightly. I've been thinking about this for months, years. How do you go on living when your life has just been depression and coping for years? How can I just see the light at the end of the tunnel and heal? I don't know if there's a heaven out there or not. I have so many people that I've loved that haven't been able to keep going. I see Casey Hoke's brother on television almost every night and just cry, thinking about how much I loved him and still do love him. But I can't help but think about how much people would love me if I was gone. Why do we appreciate people so much more when they're gone. Even now, as Notre Dame burns, so many people are wishing that they had gone there. They just send out so much love to France as one of its trademark landmarks burns to ashes. So many people would look back on the interactions they had with me and would wish that they were nicer to me. They would know what they had done to me, how much they had hurt me. I think about all the people at the ballet that had hurt me. All the girls, all the teachers. I think about one of my former roommates, Kate Stranathan who, when I was having a terror attack filled with hallucinations told me to get out when I brought someone over to help me. Why? Why did you hurt me. Did you know that you were making me want to kill myself? Honesty time, I have to tell what these people did to me or I can't keep going. I can no longer just let it sit inside me for no one else to know. I have been so fucking hurt by so many fucking people and I'm done with it. I'm done being bossed around by other people when they know that I am a capable adult.
But honesty time, I have to live. I have to live to prove to my abusers that they were wrong. I have to live to keep telling the people that I love that I love them. I have to live. Sometimes I don't know how, but I just have to keep going, it's all that I can do.
Today Puff laid her eggs! I'm so proud of her! Her second clutch ever! I'm going to let them rest for the night before I remove them to the incubator, and hopefully in 6-12 weeks we will have baby geckos! Flick was such a cute, proud daddy sitting in his tree.
We had a fantastic weekend at the farm, which is why I took a little break from blogging. I try to stay off my computer as much as possible when we are down there just so I can stay more in the moment. It's really wonderful to just spend time outside listening to all the birds and the animals in the surrounding farms. We got the garden all planted and watered with the thunder storms, and secured them with a a little more than 100 feet of chicken wire fencing (and still didn't have enough for the whole garden!) I also decided to wait on planting several of the herbs and flowers because I was a little wary of the cold. But something exciting that we started was a special section especially for the fancy flowers. We got an old tire off the side of the road to plant some flowers in and planted my Iris bulbs beside it. We're on the lookout for three more old tires to finish that little landscaping project, but I think it'll look really nice. Hopefully one day we'll have a bee hive over by that garden, but that's a project for the future.
We always find fun things to do when we're at the farm, whether it's cooking, art, finding new books, starting new projects, or going out to E-Town. We got to go to Rural King this time, and yes, I walked past those big boxes of chicks again, knowing I couldn't bring even one home. They're just so adorable you want to squeeze them! But, of course, you can't even pet the sweet little babies! So, to satisfy my chicken dreams, I had to do some chicken embroidery. I did about five different chickens and was very proud of them! I finished them today and we decided to hang them up in Chris's room. Another highlight of the weekend was that I went running for the first time in years. My calves are still sore! But it made me feel great! Definitely a repeat workout! All in all, a wonderful weekend. What did you do this weekend?
Disco Chicken of Love
sTate fair ready!
seed starting 2019
ky state fair quilt
A sustainability major at U of L, beginning farmer, crafter, and writer.